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[Exhibit A] Affidavit of Misplaced Premonition: The Temperance Card Mixed Up Your Dates

Oct 5, 2026

CASE FILE 77-TMP-04 CLASSIFICATION: ROUTINE / NON-ACTIONABLE SUBJECT: UNNAMED (REFERENCED HEREAFTER AS “THE SUBJECT”) DISTRIBUTION: Office of Chronological Compliance; Bureau of Minor Prophecy; Records Retention, Annex C; the Subject (posthumously, pending...

[Cold Read] Receipt Printer Testimony: Every Tarot Spread Charges You Per Confession

Oct 3, 2026

CASE FILE: 2024-TAR-0666 SUBJECT: The Tarot Spread as Transactional Ledger EXAMINER: The Coroner STATUS: Closed. Cause of death listed. Next of kin notified. They didn’t care. PRELIMINARY FINDINGS The body was discovered at 3:47 AM, slumped over a reading table....

[The Tourist] Exhibit A: The Moon Card Used Your Thoughts as Clickbait for Entities

Oct 1, 2026

I found the Moon card last Tuesday and I have to say, I think it’s being a little dramatic. Everyone keeps telling me the Moon is about illusion, fear, the subconscious, “things that are not as they seem.” They say it with that voice people use when they...

[Your Actual Problem] Tarot Card Labels You as Noncompliant With Reality in Triplicate

Sep 28, 2026

Tarot Card Labels You as Noncompliant With Reality in Triplicate You wanted a reading. You wanted a story about your ex, your career, your “season of transformation.” You wanted language soft enough to nap on. The cards gave you a diagnosis. You drew...

[Your Actual Problem] Tarot Reading Found Your Alias in the Minor Arcana DMV File

Sep 26, 2026

You asked about the Queen of Swords. You said you wanted clarity. You said you were ready to cut. You came to me with that clean, cold image of yourself—the woman with the raised blade, the one who’s done being lied to, the one who reads people like receipts. I...

[Cold Read] Chain of Custody Report: How Many Times Your Spread Was Re-shuffled After You Left

Sep 24, 2026

FORENSIC TAROT ANALYSIS — CASE FILE #4471-C SUBJECT: The Spread You Left On The Table EXAMINER: The Coroner STATUS: Cold. Very cold. PRELIMINARY FINDINGS The subject arrived on my slab at 11:47 PM. A standard ten-card Celtic Cross, dealt by a reader who had, by all...

[The Tourist] Compliance Notice: The Judgement Card Reviewed Your Previous Excuses and Denied Them

Sep 21, 2026

I have been a professional tarot reader for twenty minutes, which makes me, at this point, essentially a tenured professor of the subject. I have read one card. It was The Fool. I understood it immediately. It said “begin,” so I began, and then I read a...

[Statement From The Deck] Incident Report: The Chariot Would Only Answer In Permission Slips

Sep 19, 2026

Incident Report: The Chariot Would Only Answer In Permission Slips To the reader who pulled me on a Tuesday, in a dim kitchen, over a question you already knew the answer to— You wanted a green light. I gave you paperwork. I know how it looked. You shuffled, you cut,...

[Statement From The Deck] Risk Assessment Summary: Page of Cups Incident With Confidential Feelings

Sep 17, 2026

Risk Assessment Summary: Page of Cups Incident With Confidential Feelings I am the Page of Cups, and I would like to file a formal complaint. For those unfamiliar with the internal politics of a tarot deck, allow me to introduce myself: I am the youngest member of the...

[Trend Report] Incident Report: The Star Card Started Crowdsourcing Your Trauma

Sep 14, 2026

Incident Report: The Star Card Started Crowdsourcing Your Trauma The Star (XVII) is the card that shows up to your crisis looking like a Glossier ad. Naked on the riverbank, one knee bent just so, pouring water into water and water onto land — girl, that’s not...

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